This Is My Life Homie, You Decide Yours...
Do you know how it feels to hold your stomach in for a long period of time? It’s difficult and uncomfortable, right? At any moment you feel like you could pop or explode. You desire deeply to exhale and let it all hang out, but you’re afraid of the judgment that comes with someone seeing the real you. So now you’re walking around the world, holding yourself in, pretending to be something you’re not, just so you can live up to an image of perfection that doesn’t exist. Sounds stupid, huh? It does…but it happens - and how it feels to hold your stomach in for long periods of time is how I feel when I’m living my life for someone else other than myself. I feel like I can’t breathe properly…like at any minute, I will pop - and I did.
Not too long ago I did a quick overview of my life and asked myself what percentage of my life was my idea, and what percentage of my life was other people’s ideas. I didn’t like the results. I thought about how many decisions I made because I thought it would look good to my family or because I thought it would coincide with the image everyone had of me in their heads. I didn’t like the results of those thoughts either. I also thought about how pissed I would be if I created a life that others thought I should create only to become resentful that I didn’t create the life I wanted to create. After sitting with those thoughts for a second, I wrote this declaration in my journal…“to hell with who they think I am or what they think I should do, because the only person who has to pay for my decisions is me. Therefore, my opinion should be the only one that counts.”
For as long as I can remember I’ve been combating and/or feeding into people’s perception of me. I remember in high school I desperately wanted to play basketball as a freshman (and I did), but my brother’s then-girlfriend thought I looked more like a cheerleader so she persuaded me to try out for the squad. I remember only dating a certain type of guy for a long time because those were the types of guys people thought I should be with. I remember my college advisor trying her hardest to get me to join a sorority because I fit their aesthetic, but deep down I knew that wasn’t my vibe. It’s hard to stay true to yourself in a world that doesn’t encourage and celebrate authenticity. And even though staying true to yourself is not popular, it’s a major key to liberation. Because if you let others dictate your life, you don’t truly own it.
“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
You know that feeling of relief you get when you finally unbutton some snug pants you’ve been wearing all day, or that feeling you get when you stop tensing up and you relax all your muscles then exhale with your entire body? That’s the feeling I experienced when I finally stop holding the real me in. And from that day forward I vowed not to create another façade in order to be accepted. I also vowed to let it all hang out, no matter the judgment that followed. Because being my true self feeds my soul, being someone I’m not takes away from it.
Life is short so I may as well please the person I’m with all the time….and that’s me.
My life - my way,
- Samjah Iman
P.S. - Hey my people! If you get a chance, check me out in this Hello Beautiful article. I’m honored!!! Talk to you all soon! xoxo
Outfit Details: Graphic Tee (coming soon here) // Joggers (old Forever 21), Nike Sacai Tennis