This is How My Freedom Looks...
I finally watched the Harriet Tubman movie. Everyone knows I’m a stickler when it comes to my sleep routine, and this movie kept me up waaaay past my bedtime - but I had no quarrels about it. The movie was great. I was fascinated by Harriet’s tenacity. My watch alerted me that it was 15 minutes till 1:00 a.m., and I looked at it like it had its nerves. I needed to see what Harriet was about to do, and I had no time for an electronic, time-telling hater reminding me that I was not on my regular sleep schedule.
After the movie went off, I was bursting with pride. I was motivated by girl Harriet. I was inspired to do something brave. As I lay in my bed decked out in a headscarf similar to the one Harriet rocked, I thought about what freedom meant to me. I understood deeply what freedom meant to slaves, but I hadn’t taken the moment to define what it looked like for me. I went to bed that night without a clear picture of freedom as it related to my life. I figured I’d discover the answer sooner or later, or I’d watch another movie or documentary that would give my brain something else to decipher - the story of my life.
Weeks after the Harriet movie was totally out of my psyche, I was having a conversation with my mother on not being scared of certain outcomes. I was explaining a situation I was faced with and how I wasn’t afraid to seek the truth because the results didn’t scare me. My mother responded to my perspective and said, “that’s when you are free.” She then said, “when you’re not afraid of loosing or failing - it frees you.” The lightbulb went off in my head. I have heard her say this before - I even wrote about it on this blog somewhere. But because I’m in the season of openness, the information hit a little different. Not being afraid to fail was my definition of freedom…..and I never thought of it as such.
The conversation with my mother had my wheels turning. I thought about the fact that I have almost never been afraid of the word no. I’d ask any question I wanted to ask, prepared for the answer to not be in my favor. I have never been afraid of starting over. I’d leave any situation that wasn’t and isn’t serving me. I have never been afraid of losing. I’d take on any challenge not dwelling on the fact that the outcome may not be in my favor. I have never been afraid of being without. Although I love nice things, those things do not bind me to anyone or any situation. I have never been afraid of going against the grain. The majority’s opinion doesn’t sway me, the God in my heart does. Now…..have all the situations I’ve mentioned above been easy to conquer? Hell no. Am I still learning how to conquer them properly? Damn right. But the longer I keep living, the more I value my peace and autonomy. And if anything or anyone threatens either of those two, I’m not afraid to make the necessary changes.
“I don’t want to lose this good life, but I ain’t scared. ”
I’m discovering that my freedom is tied to my faith. The more I exercise that faith, the stronger it becomes. And the stronger my faith becomes, the more confident I am in using it. It’s contradicting to say I trust that things will be okay but then fear taking a big step or fear asking for something because the answer may be no. Yes it’s uncomfortable to fail. It’s uncomfortable to be rejected. But once you discover that the failure/rejection/no didn’t kill you and doesn’t define your life, you begin to build courage. And once you have that type of courage, nothing will hold you back….you’re free.
I am not free because I’m living a good life. I am free because my life isn’t predicated on anyone else’s yes, no, validation, and/or presence. I’m free because losing and failing do not restrict me.
Give me liberty, or give me death,
- Samjah Iman
P.S. - I hope everyone is well during these times. All of you all and this world are in my prayers. Please stay hopeful. Peace and Blessings!
Outfit Details: Polka Dot Dress (Bohoo, sold out) // Vans